A Ray of Hope in an Otherwise Dreary Time

A few house cleaning items need to be addressed. First, I have to apologize to all you who devote a few minutes of your week to visit my shack. I have been on holiday, actually it was not a vacation but none other than the dreaded finals week in school. Needless to say, all my spare time was devoted to my final assignments which left me with no time to get anything else done. However, I promise that I will get a new posting up shortly. Now moving on to the second order of business. In the last rant "Food for thought" I made a statement that I need to clarify. When I said that my wife only gives me a monthly allowance of ten dollars I was lying. I know, I’m sorry. The real story is that my wife gives me plenty of money. In fact I have so much money that I find myself grabbing fives and tens to use to blow my nose into. You see I would never use anything larger than a fiver of a ten spot for the obvious reasons.... the fibers in the larger bills are much stiffer than in the fives and tens and I would hurt my nose if I used those bills...DUH! So please don’t any of you that know my sweet wife think that she is a monster because she really is not. She is the most beautiful and sophisticated woman I know. The wind beneath my wings. The twinkle in my eye and sometimes a pain in my... Oops sorry, you caught me rambling aimlessly. So with that buisness out of the way...ON TO THE FIRST ANECDOTE.

This being the virgin run of the Anecdote section of the blog, I feel that it is appropriate to tell a story of how I got the nickname "Snowman." Ok I have to confess, no one has actually called me snowman yet, but after you hear this story hopefully you will because I never want to forget the story and lesson behind the name. JUST A WARNING TO ALL THE MANLY MEN READING THIS*** it’s going to get a little thick in here today, and ...yes... your gaydar might go off crazy style by the end of the story. So do me and everyone else a favor...just come back next week when I get back to ranting. Next weeks topic: How people who can’t do their job correctly are the bane of my existence.

And now without further adeau... the anecdote.

As I go to work on the streets of Down Town Las Vegas I don’t see the greatest of things. A common week might hold a few robbery reports, a stabbing or two, and I if the moon aligns with the fourth ring of Jupiter at the right moment and I am looking north at 0300 and 58 seconds, we might get away with just one homicide instead of two or three. So needless to say, work can be a pretty dreary time for me. But this weekend my spirits were lifted by the gracious deed of another. To protect this guy’s identity I will call him Hansel.

Let me let you in on a little secret of being a cop...not all of us are the biggest, baddest mother around. In fact, most the cops on the street would get their butt handed to them in a fight with most of the criminals we deal with. However, I am convinced that the reason we do not get beat on every night is because of the general perception people have of cops. This perception being that most cops are trained well enough to destroy you if you so much as backtalk them.-which by the way, should be allowed down town and absolutely will be permitted when I rule the world. The reality is though, that this perception is fueled by our, and by our I mean cops, need to be safe. I know that I am not the best fighter or fastest runner out there, but the retarded 6'3, 250 lbs of prison muscle ogre glaring at me front the front of my patrol car needs to think I am; so as a defense mechanism, we portray ourselves as such a being.





Unfortunately this alter ego, if you will, tends to creep into your life outside of work just by the nature of the beast. I mean, I am-or pretend to be- a hybrid mutant of the Incredible Hulk, Superman and The Thing (a guy made of rock for all who had a life and/or friends and did not read comics growing up) at work, and don't get me wrong I pull it off with the greatest of finess. however, that's not always a good thing, being able to pull off self-confident in the face of any situation. The reason being most people, myself included, just seem cocky and probably arrogant to everyone else. i am here to tell you this is not the case.





now that ws a long intro to a short story with an even shorter moral/lesson. this past weekend I, along with two of my good friends, went golfing. now i am not a great golfer, infact, i am possibly the worst golfer you will ever meet. my clubs are goofy looking (lime green duct tape spiroled down the shaft), i wear converse allstars not golf shoes, my swing is more of an oval shape than a nice circle and my stance is all goofy. but, i am a cop so i freaking rock at everything in my mind. let me take you to the tee off. there we are the three of us, one of my friends (the one we are calling hansel ) looks like a white Tiger Woods, my other buddy looks like any high priced atterny you might find in New York City and then there is me..cargo shorts, white t-shirt and my converse. Oh and dont forget my red fox racing hat and my beloved Dulce and Gabbana knock off shads. the ones with the hearts on the side that are encrusted with crystals. so we are all stretching with our clubbs. you know pullin off the old high over the head then bringit back and twist to stretch out the back muscles. yeah we had the whole thing down. to look at us stretching you would think we were pro golfers. that is untill you watch me tee off.



So Hansel tee's off and it goes about 200 yards straight down the fairway, my othere friend does the same.

Welcome back!!! Man it has been a while since I was able to get my thoughts out and onto this screen for all you to feast on. And let me tell you something… I HAVE A TON TO SAY!!!!!!!!! So the reason for my latest hiatus-means absence- is, I was inundated with reports and reading for the two classes I was taking at UNLV; English 460 and English 477. The work was tedious and took up a lot of my time, but I don’t mind as long as I get an A in the class. The only thing I have to complain about, well not the only thing…I mean let’s be honest… if I only had one thing to complain about The Rant Shack would be a lost cause…. Ok back on topic… ONE of the things that infuriated me- means made me really really mad-was this girl in the class named Jasmine…yep that’s her real name and I’m not afraid to use it. So, Jasmine if you are reading this I have something to say to you so get close to the screen and listen up…I HATE YOU!!!! Aackkehhmm ßme clearing my throat… And here are my top five reasons why. Jasmine you suck (The top FIVE) 5 You seemed to come in late to class every day with some type of new perfume on. And let me give you a little advice, ok….the maker of the fragrance intended the bottle to be used more than once…I mean honestly…do you smell so horrific that you feel the need to mask whatever noxious gas is obviously seeping out of your pores on a mission to assault all the nostrils within a two planet radius?? Because if that’s your purpose and the reason for your perfume showers just before crossing the threshold into the classroom…you got the amount right on the money…HOWEVER!!!!! If for some reason-unknown to the class, myself and science professionals-you have saturated your clothes with this “stink of the day” in an effort to smell pretty, let me let you in on a little secret…YOU ARE RETARDED and you smell like a mixture of stale hot dog water and burnt grits…oh and by the way…do you hear the words deet-dee-dee often in your head? 4 Ok sweetheart, I know you know that class started at 5:00 pm… and I recognize that you have an intense need to stroll in at about 5:23pm for that “gatta make an entrance” routine, but can I just give you one suggestion/question/complaint/observation??? WHY FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS CRAIG’S LIST DO YOU FEEL IT A NECESSITY TO WEAR YOUR SUNGLASSES INTO A DARK ROOM…90% of the time we were watching a movie with the lights out when you entered class…SO TAKE OFF THE WANNABE STUNNA SHADES AND OPEN THOSE BIG FAT EYES OF YOURS!!!!!!! Ok I could really blow a gasket if I continue on this one, so ill save my own life and move on…I just have to say one last thing on the subject…I Hate You!!! 3 Can I be the first one to say Welcome to the year 2008. We have lots of cool things going on in the world right now…scientology in all its retardedness, California leading the way in pole on pole marriage, we even have two interesting presidential candidates. One I guarantee knows old grandfather time personally and, if elected, could possibly meet Thantos** while still in office. The other candidate has an upper class mind set, says he is sympathetic to the “working middle class” and when referring to his teenage daughter said “I don’t want to punish her with a baby,” that is, if by chance she can’t keep her legs in the same time zone and practice a little thing I like to call moral integrity…but then again what would I know.. Well enough about the world let’s get back to you… Allow me illuminate one thing for you… Spandex, yeah it only has one real function in society today…that function is for all the ultra thin or super big guys to wear as they strut around the local Golds Gym or 24hr fitness…you know so that everyone can see what they’re packin…even if it’s only a few tic-tac’s and a slerpee straw. But hey, I have to congratulate you on the spandex capri’s you have worn in a kaleidoscope of colors for the past four weeks solid…you have recovered the ancient “super spandex of 1981”…you know that type of spandex that really, reaLLY, REALLY holds it all up and in and together and around and down…I mean your spandex is soooo tight, I mistook your tan pair for two small children clinging to your legs as if your legs were a long lost friends or loved ones…I mean honestly, it would have taken the Jaws of life to remove those things…yikes…what if you got a sudden case of Montezuma’s revenge??? I guess your tan pants would be polka doted then. **Thantos- The Greek God of a non-violent death**

2 I’m a big fan of the accessories…anyone who knows me will attest to the fact that I like all things sparkly and heart shaped…with that said, one can take the accessories a bit too far…my dear…it has been made universally clear to me that you are in dire need of a fashion consultant…if you don’t believe me, confide in your full length mirror…yes you twit, it has to be a full length mirror, you have to see how you look, all of you, in totality. I am confident that I could transform you from the disgusting, sloppy cow you appear to be now, into something befitting a Monet or Van Gogh print. There is one accessory you are constantly bringing to class that just exacerbates me-means to aggravate strongly, beyond reconciliation; almost as much as the Blue tooth ear piece, and everyone who has been with us for a while knows my distain for that ear cockroach. This accessory being that suitcase sized purse you always drag into class…that thing is like Mary Poppins crazy carpet bag-o-goodies. I know you are thinking economical, economical, but really??? 157 yards of thick, dark leather sewed together in a disgraceful fashion, is just a bit much…I’m not sure, but I think bright red might be a bit too tacky even for you..well maybe not.

The more I fester over the thought of your big, fat, ugly purse clutching to your big fat arm like a first time bungee jumper clings to the scaffolding before a jump, just exhausts all my energy..Bright RED… Who does that type of thing??awwgghh, PLEASE.. choose colors that go together or, at the very least, complement each other a little. But then again, why would you wear anything that had coordination and class? I can tell you right now what will be your best, most flattering look…but I’m not sure if Versace (pronounced Ver-sachi) has come out with a summer burka line yet… oh well, here’s to hoping. 1 The number one reason I HATE YOU could encompass its own rant, but for our purposes I’ll limit my length. After typing until 2:45a.m I’m now a bit punch drunk. I have on many an occasion thought it would be comical to play dumb in school, at church, or when my wife asks me to do some chore I’m just not diggin’…but in the end I know it’s just a facade …my playing dumb, coy or a little Deet-Dee-Dee is just temporary and a means to an end…that end usually paying off with me declaring victory over my couch with my butt impressions in the couch not having the opportunity to re-adjust and fill back out…but you Jasmine, YOU have got to be one of the most mind numbingly dumb people I’ve ever had the extreme misfortune of interacting with… and here is one example of why… In class, one of the things the professor said to help gauge the depth of poverty a story character was in, was whether or not the person owned a Radio…but the idea of everyone not having a radio was just not an option for you now was it??? In fact your exact quote to the class was “like, I thought everyone had a radio back then…because like, in every movie I’ve watched, like, I always see people sitting on the stoop listening to the radio.” OOOHHH Yes...silly me…I forgot… back then everyone got a clock radio at birth…you know, as a baby shower gift from the Radio Gods. AAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAA!!!! (me Yelling out loud) But what made things so much worse, if such a thing were possible, you were dead serious when you said it. Over all I think you have driven me past the point of lunacy with your crazy antics and your retarded gimmicks. Please do me a favor…give it a break!!!! There you have it Jasmine, the top five reasons why I HATE YOU!!!! By the way, the comment about being punch drunk, yeah it has nothing to do with anything; I just thought I’d let you in on something from beyond the screen… Now a little note to all reading …the proceeding pictures are of the infamous Jasmine herself. All pictures were taken by me using ninja-esque stealth and craftiness. I was sitting in front of Jasmine in class and took the pictures with my cell phone’s camera. I acted like I was playing with the phone and took all the pictures. Then at the end of class, the professor asked her to stay after because she never reads the assignments and never has anything of real intellect to share with the class about said readings. So I took the opportunity to snap a few pics of Jasmine standing at the professors desk…notice the snooty posture she stands in……aaarrgghh. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed our little reunion. Talk to ya again soon. CiAo!