Fashion Fopa

So there I was minding my own business, sitting in terminal D on what the airline said were “padded seats” but, as I was becoming despondently more aware, could be better compared to, or described as, “rock-hard-leather-thrones-of-death.” I was waiting to board my plane headed for Texas with a final destination of San Juan, when I saw a few things that sent my ranting juices flowing like a tsunami…

I looked a down the row of death thrones I was sitting on and saw this woman that had on a pink shirt. She was a very lovely woman; not ugly but not the hottest thing out of the oven. Now she was facing me so I didn’t give her a second thought… at first that is. But then she turned around and I saw her fatal flaw…she had on a hideous salmon colored bra that had one of the clasps unclasped.

“But T-man” you might ask, “how on earth did you manage a sneak peak of her bra? And for the love of all things Victoria’s Secret, Fredericks of Hollywood, and the Kathy Ireland Collection (exclusively at Wal-Mart), how did you know this woman’s bra was unclasped????” Ooohhhh my friends… had my eyes their own mouth with which to retell the horrific sights they be held in that instant, they would surely enlighten you of things too forbidding for the faint of heart and small children to hear, but had you been present, surely you would now share in the same infirmity that ales me…a mind sickened with images of the vilest of perversions against all things fashionable.

See this pink shirt had on the back, one button at the neck and one button on the bottom hem, and was open to reveal her most inner, or outer, back area and thus the bra was exposed to the world.

Allow me to digress for a moment and explain something to you all…I am definitely not a normal guy, and I am absolutely of the “anti-machismo” attitude. I have two great loves in this world next to my family. Most of you that know me won’t find this shocking but my first great love is my art in all its forms (i.e. my writing, music, paintings and sketches) the other is fashion. I can’t speak as to this woman’s artistic choices but I have a mouthful to say about her taste in fashion and esthetic visions.

Funny enough I can sum it up in one sentence..so here it is…uuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! <-- me taking in a big breath. You have absolutely no concept of what looks good, just because some half twitted retard decides that they have a few extra pieces of fabric lying around the doublewide and steal two buttons, then they put it all together creating an utter fashion atrocity they call a shirt, does not mean you need to supply them with the funds for their next keg of Steel Reserve(ridiculously cheap beer), you should be ashamed for spending money on that shirt, you should be ashamed for even having that shirt, no, you should be punished and thrown in jail for assault, assault on my good fashion senses and assault on every eye whose gaze was sucked into the vortex that is your hideous open backed shirt that by the way, WAS PINK and you had the audacity to wear a salmon colored bra, which given what I have deduced of your fashion sense thus far, should not have come as much of a surprise to me, but I do have just one question before I banish the thought of you and your fashion fiasco to the nether regions of all things lost in time (you know the place they should send things like halter tops, ankle socks with the puffy ball on back of them, slap-n’-wrap bracelets, lawn darts, Speedos, bikinis for ages 10 and under or weights of 200+, any car manufactured in the 1980’s, the guy that produced Harry and the Henderson’s, the guy that took ALF off the air, whoever came up with the show Sex in the City, the creator and manufacturers of oversized necklace charms studded with fake diamonds and Paris Hilton…by the way Paris I HATE YOU!!!) WHAT WERE YOU THINKING WHEN YOU PUT THAT THING ON?????

I would bet, if I were a betting man, that you were thinking, “yeah! This shirt makes me look gooooood.”

Ooopppee, wait, breaking news…this just in… to the woman in the hideous pink getup, this is your brain, I am sorry I left without telling you a month ago, but it was just exhausting being in your head everyday so while you were sleeping I hopped out and filled your head with cheese. I’m back from holiday and we can start the long road to recovery now…

Oh wow lady…good luck. Really, I hope you can get things straight with that brain of yours and get that cheese out of your head.

I would be remiss if I did not also mention a few other “fashion disasters” that I have encountered in my short life. Join me on this ride through time as we give a shout out, or just a dishonorable mention, to the best of the worst things in fashion for the past twenty five years….

And we begin:

The base ball cap promoting a beer company that has a bottle opener built into the brim of the cap, glasses being hung from the top button on a button up shirt, sunglasses being worn on the back of the head (yeah, it’s a good idea to shade the area that would encompass the entirety of the surface area that your brain must occupy within your skull, good job!), those who wear socks with flip flops (all who do this are committing an especially egregious act as your foot looks like that of a turtle and turtles are stupid so exo-facto…well you do the math, the “ I’m with stupid” t-shirts, the “I (heart) (–PLACE NAME OF CITY HERE)” shirts, big scrunchy socks, anything spandex, tube socks rolled down, any and all things FUBU-Baby Phat and Racca Wear, oversized headbands, low rise jeans that allow the tops of your underwear straps to show, any neon colored bra that is allowed to be seen, MC Hammer “parachute pants”, the Vanilla Ice haircut (flat top with three lines of increasing length shaved in just above the ears), the “pocket pooch” you know the ones people carry around in their purses, the mullet as rocked by the one and only Billy Ray Cyrus, anything worn by Chaka Khan, the “side of the head pony tail” the one that is set about the middle of the skull, any shirt with a short stupid tag phrase like “-(Place exploitive here)- happens”, any shirt that says “I survived (name of random experience)”, people who wore a band t-shirt to that same bands concert (buying one at the concert and wearing it for the duration is ok though), portable Boom boxes carried on one shoulder so as to place one speaker next to the carriers ear and playing the music at decibels inciting the deaf to complain about the volume, Kriss-Cross and EVERYTHING regarding the wearing of one’s cloths backwards, the infamous one piece jumpsuit underwear, and the always disgusting fanny pack. Just to name a few.

I think it could suffice to say that the years of 1988-1999 could be considered the “Dark Ages” of fashion.

If you find that you have anything before mentioned in your closet do yourself a favor…RUN!!! Run like your life depends on it!! Run fast and hard like you are running an imaginary marathon. Run like you are being chased by some crazed lunatic trying to get you… because you are... you are being chased by the stigmata that is bad fashion sense. Run to your closet and grab every item you have that violates all areas of sensibility and good fashion and then sprint to the nearest incinerator and toss it all in…then you have an excuse to go buy things that can only be described as stunningly awesome.

CiAo!

P.S. My holiday to the Caribbean was great, but it’s good to be back and ranting again.